Weight-scale

When I first created this blog in 2009 my intention was to chronicle my weight loss journey. I wanted to keep myself accountable and to inspire others to go for the dreams they thought were out of their reach. While I was mom’s caretaker for the past year I had more issues with food and exercise than I believed possible! Wasn’t I past emotional eating? Didn’t I kick that habit when I lost fifty pounds? Then why was a cramming potato chips into my mouth while watching a late night movie? Why was I eating the high fat foods that I prepared for her because she enjoyed them so much? And why was I blaming her for my eating choices!? These were questions I demanded answers to halfway through the year as the stress of my new lifestyle took its toll.

Yesterday I used my tracking journal to pull out my monthly weight since Nov 2009 when I weighed in at my lowest 140.5 I’d been hovering at 143 even though my Weight Watcher’s goal was 150 (for my height 5’10” the high end is 174). Mom moved in with us Thanksgiving 2009—barely three months later I weighed 145 and stayed within two pounds either side for the year. By January 2011 I was 150 and I weighed in today at 152. Now don’t think I’m obsessed with the scale it’s a tool not a God. But I had avoided the scale because I didn’t want to know—I didn’t want to feel as though I’d failed. I do know. My clothes are tight, and I feel sluggish and less energetic and those ten to twelve pounds are heavy and bogging me down—physically and emotionally. I felt way better at 145 but I felt awesome at 140 and will shoot for releasing the first five and then set another goal for releasing the next five. My coach reminded me to use intentional language like releasing because when I say I’ve lost a certain number of pounds I may find them again!

I’ve been choosing comfort foods which mean carbs and sugar. (sigh) When we’ve eaten out I’ve ordered fried foods (gasp!) and slathered real mayonnaise on my sandwich and then asked for dessert. When I’m active and exercising regularly at a calorie burning level I wouldn’t think twice about splurging on a couple of meals each month to treat myself. But when it becomes weekly and then daily it slid into a habit or a crutch. I was using those late night cookies to numb myself or console myself, or even punish myself but yanno it doesn’t really help, or at least not for long. Grief is a process. It takes as long as it takes. I won’t find ‘I feel good about me’ at the bottom of a bag or box of anything!

I’ve decided I can grieve and walk; grieve and laugh; grieve and eat healthy; grieve and love; grieve and release fat; grieve and live…until I’m done. For me grieving is about letting go—not simply the past or what could have been but my regrets, guilt, sadness, loss, and I’m ready. I’m ready to choose love and happiness. I’m ready to let go of all the things that are weighing me down and float into my future self as gently as a wind blown kiss.

11 Comments

  1. Lovely Laura! You have a wonderful way with words. Allow yourself the gift of time and to grieve how YOU see fit. Positive thoughts, positive memories, positive results. . .
    Love,
    Beth

  2. I love that you wrote that the scale is a tool, not a God. Brilliant… and so worth remembering!
    Love you, and your journey! ♥

  3. Your transparency is inspiring! I wish we lived in the same neighborhood so we could walk, laugh, release and grieve together!

  4. From now on, I’m using the phrase “releasing weight” vs. “losing.” I absolutely love that and it makes sense! Hang in there Laura because I know you can do it. You’re a true inspiration! There will always be bumps in the road on your journey, but your strong enough to keep moving forward. Wishing you smooth sailin’!

  5. You are an inspiration, Dear One. Thank you for sharing “to the bone” and for making me take a deeper breath because this hits so close to home for alot of us. I envy your transparency. Hugs!

  6. Yanno I love you all so deeply dear readers, knowing that my words touch and inspire you means the world to me. I’m honored that you take the time to share a comment, thank you. And as always & all ways—big love, big vugs!

  7. Yes, you can grieve and do all of those things. And I’m right there with you on “releasing” and “shedding” and “letting go” because that’s what we really want to do. I’ve never resonated with eating for comfort but when I heard the phrase “eating for distraction” I knew I’d heard my truth. Being a conscious eater is what I am becoming and it’s working. 🙂 Thanks for the inspiration!

  8. Alicia thank you for the reminder language to be a ‘conscious eater’….so wise & healthy! Vugs!

  9. Beautiful post Laura! The last paragraph about grieving while living and choosing love and happiness really resonated with me. I don’t have to add to my grief by mindlessly grazing my way through the pain. Food is just another way of staying numb and stuffing, which means prolonging. So we can grieve while moving forward. I love the thought of using intentional language like releasing, conscious eating, mindful movement, intentional living. 3lbs. lost this week and many more to go.

  10. Oh Merri what a helpful insight, “Food is just another way of staying numb and stuffing, which means prolonging.” Yes dragging it out as a way to ‘beat up on myself’ I hadn’t thought of it in that way but this is true for me. I know our griefs have different sources but pain is pain and loss is loss…and moving forward with a kindred soul makes the pain and loss bearable.
    I’m inspired to move forward with you and look at the results you’ve created; releasing three pounds! Yay you! For a visual that’s three BOXES of butter!

  11. Great post and love the intentionality you’ve shared. Might I offer that I think the five pounds look great on you?!
    I know you don’t want to hear/read that…No more nor less than the five, just sayin.’
    Cheers~’

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