This post is long overdue. Until this moment I was hesitant to write it and be authentic and vulnerable. I had eagerly anticipated our final bootcamp session at CrossFit on August 19th. That evening we bootcamp ladies and our coaches met for drinks and appetizers each of us stylin’ and unrecognizable to the others out of our workout clothes. Prizes were awarded to participants who had worked their butts off (literally!) and the results spoke volumes.
Yes, I was happy for my classmates’ success but I was disappointed in myself. This is a repeat lesson for me. I did my best but could have done better—my best wasn’t good enough. How did it become so ingrained in me not to celebrate my successes but to actually refuse to acknowledge their existence by beating myself up for an imagined expectation?
I wallowed for a week. Then I realized I was using unhappiness to motivate myself. To do what? Try harder or quit. The way I felt it was more likely I’d give up. As I wrestled with that demon I had another ‘aha’ moment. I was wallowing and beating myself up not only because I was disappointed in myself but because I was back full circle at this lesson again. I’d dealt with this not enough issue over and over why was it back? Because I had dealt with it, put it to bed, made peace with it in those other scenarios—not this one. Ahhh. Got it.
I wasn’t dealing with actually feeling not enough in this situation but what my feelings triggered when I first decided I was not enough. Oh, breakthroughs are incredibly freeing when they dazzle you with their shiny wisdom. And I was buying into that belief again because I’d forgotten I had a choice. With this awakening I chose a different way—no I don’t want to wallow in unhappiness, no I don’t like self-sabotaging myself, no I don’t want to quit, no I don’t want to live as though I am not enough.
I choose to let go of expectation and be in the now and celebrate where I am. A human ‘bean’ with human issues like feeling and believing I’m not enough when those unworthy feelings are triggered. I could also delve into what ‘enough’ means to me but for now it is enough to know I am enough. Let me say that again: I am enough. Just. As. I. Am.
Advanced Bootcamp begins next Monday and I will be there with my sneakers laced, my spirits high, and my expectations left…well I won’t leave them behind—I won’t give them life or breath to begin with.