One of my biggest self care commitments this year has been to journal daily and I know when I actually practice this habit consistently I feel good. Really good. I learned about morning pages from Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way, she writes “Put simply, the morning pages are three pages of longhand writing, strictly stream-of-consciousness. …they might also, more ingloriously, be called brain drain, since that is one of their main functions.”
I’ve been doing morning pages for over a decade now and also know that for me first thing in the morning is the best time to get ‘stuff’ out of my head. I’ve been filling old partially used and then abandoned journals that I couldn’t part with. I have about a weeks worth of pages left in my current book and I looked back to read the first entry in this lovely journal which was on March 12, 2001. I’d like to share this entry as a way to celebrate how far I’ve come and that I am on the ‘write’ path of living authentically:
“These pages called to me. This wasn’t the journal I intended to buy. I had decided on the plain cheap edition that I could create a cover for. This one is perfect. No, forget perfection and aim for excellence. I like that. This blank book is excellent. The pages speak to me with whispers of hope. Journeys to be undertaken. Discoveries to behold. Dreams to live.
I am so consumed by what NOT to write my mind holds no thought of what I DO want to create. I am afraid to
pour out my heart onto this pristine blankness. I believe—no, no I did believe I was unworthy. I only deserved the plain, cheap production. Until I wrote a check for THIS book: covered in soft forest green crushed velvet with a chestnut brown soft leather binding along the spine. The length and breadth of the pages take my breath away with their invitation. It’s decadent almost. Definitely the feel of velvet, leather, and paper beneath my fingers is sensual. It’s the ‘ahhh’ of being home after a long journey.
I wish to write in a whoosh and rush of words that will amaze, inspire, provoke, awe, move and ultimately prove to myself that I have a worthwhile talent to express myself with the written word on the page. I believe I have no story to tell. I am afraid to learn what I might say—what others might think. Who am I that others would want to hear my voice? I have echoed that query in my soul’s empty chambers for three decades…who am I? Writing is the key that will open that box. Pandora’s box? I know not. I only know I must write: whatever, my story, a story that comes through me, a truth, a lie, a fairy tale. Where’s the difference? Perspective. Only a different angle. I write for myself. I write to know myself. I write for strength and courage and faith. I write to BE myself. To be authentic here on this page, and the next, and the one after that. This is my pact to write whatever is in my heart. Light or dark. Truth or lie. Forgiveness or revenge. Love or hate. I will write it all. Honestly. No editing. For myself. Because I want to know as Julia said, “What color is behind my eyes?”
I want peace. I want the experience of unconditional love. I want to learn how to BE love in action. I want to write my past and future lives. To be one with the Universe and come to know and trust my own divinity. I want to use words to define and express my soul and mind. To connect with others on a realm so deep they will remember who they are and why they are here. I want to write a story to save humanity so that we save ourselves and our planet. It’s not about fame or fortune. Ego says I must have recognition but it’s so that I know I have done my part. My part is to write. This I know.
Now I must intuit what to write. Next I must trust myself to write. Then I must simply write. I have erroneously believed each step leads to the next. But in actuality the reverse is true. First I must write. Simple. Writing will lead to trusting myself to write which will in turn enable me to choose and know what to write. There is so much truth and wisdom in walking your path backwards. As I have done over and over I place my happiness and well being in the hands of outside events. I must write to be happy. I must lose weight to be happy. I must like myself to be happy. I must have _____ to be happy.
I have heard the lesson ‘to love is to be happy with’ but I have not accepted it as my own. All of my issues dissolve with the wisdom of being happy: happy to write, happy to lose weight, happy to like myself. Be happy first and then have/do _______. I brace, no tense against the word ‘happy’ let me replace it with joyful, radiant or simply ‘love’. That looks like this: I love to write! I love loosing weight! I love to be happy. I love feeling peace. I love to ________. My ego rails and wails that it cannot be that simple. My heart says no matter the question…love is the answer. Then I must define love for myself—to know love.
I believe that I am created from the energy of love and will return when this journey is complete. God is love. What does that mean to me? It means that all I am afraid of is my own incredible beauty and power. It means that I am worthy and deserving. It means letting go of fear and facing myself…with love. It means life is simple. The answers are simple. I’ve had the key all along AND the power to turn it…CLICK.
I closed this entry with a quote cut out and pasted on the page by Marianne Williamson’s book A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles.“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."